Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthilyto maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravelybut much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.– Adrienne Rich
I read this poem a few days ago on The Velveteen Rabbi and it’s really stuck in my head. If the door is the decisions you make in life, how do you know when to go through the door and when to back away? If it’s not one of those situations where the will of God is clear, do you go through the door or not go through? And is one choice better than the other, or are they simply different choices, with different costs and outcomes? How do you count the cost of a decision without knowing what the outcome will be? And in the end, maybe any choice is just a leap of faith… a step forward or backward into unknowns. And why do I always want to stare down the doors as if they have the answers that really only exist in the heart of God? It is only a door, but I struggle to remember that and keep things in perspective.
Great thoughts, Jennifer. The Velveteen Rabbit is such a fantastic story.
As you said, our faith gives us clear guidance on some choices regarding lifestyles, prohibitions, and attitudes. Other choices, often to our dismay, are left to us for pondering and, eventually, decision.
I count it among God’s more ingenious moves that he gave us both the desire to follow that which is Greater than ourselves, and also the bent for adventure, exploration, and intention.
So often, I have despised those latter gifts, and I wonder why this might be. I like to believe that I sacrifice them upon the altar of God’s will. Perhaps, though, my true motive is fear and distrust. I fear that I won’t make the best of all possible wagers (are not all choices wagers?), and distrust God to see me through if I wander through the shadow of the valley. Perhaps I even hope that if I make the right decisions, God will never call me to pass through that shadow.
The interesting thing about time (one of the dimensions into which God has placed us) is that it does not permit us to delay our bets. Each moment, a nuanced hand is dealt and we cannot fold. Will we go left or right? Fast or slow? Stop or go? All options are open except not to choose.
We quest to be transformed into the image of God, but we are no automatons. We desire to be led by the Holy Spirit, but we do not want to relinquish involvement in the encounter with the Holy One. He calls us to love and be loved as daughters and sons, servants and friends; shall we abandon that call to be mere actors instead?
At the end of the day, it is inside that tension where we strain and struggle. The Master has left us tasks, but not a script. One day I hope to learn how to enjoy the freedom and privilege of being my Father’s son, never abandoning my work as His servant. My goal (I have failed miserably and often) is to seek His permission, but never stand idle.